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  • Jay


Sometimes I wake up and I just lay here staring at the specks of light as they dance across the ceiling. This silence is so serene. The only time I experience true solitude is in the short hours between closing my eyes to dream at night and waking to continue with reality in the mornings. My mother used to say that God gives the toughest battles to His strongest soldiers, but I’m starting to wonder when I voluntarily enlisted to carry all this weight. I don’t remember doing that. I wouldn’t have done that. I couldn’t have.

My current emotion is fear.

Fear of failure mostly. Fear of the unknown.

It’s been about 3 months since I lost my job of two years and I’m overwhelmed at the thought of going into this new year with nothing.

I’m turning 30 this year and I feel like I have nothing to show for it. Depleted savings. No job. No degree. 

My friends are all getting married, traveling, and relocating and I’m still here with no level up in sight. 

This isn’t how I pictured my life at 30. When I was younger, I had bigger dreams. Dreams bigger than the city of Chicago. Dreams that stretched well beyond this ceiling I lay here staring at each morning. I don’t know what happened to me and I don’t remember how I got here, but I’m tired.

I used to believe heavily in the power of manifestation, but the more letters I write attempting this coupled with the many years that continue to pass, the less I believe. 

The specks of light become full on rays of sunshine that the blinds can no longer contain. Robert Glasper’s “Opening” smoothly fills the room as the daily alarm set on my phone begins to sing. Letting out another deep sigh, I prepare to greet the day filled with mommying, job applications, and everything possible to distract myself from sulking in this gray reality. 

I don't feel content. I feel stagnant. Life is passing me by quicker than I can blink my eyes.

My current emotion is fear.

Fear of failure mostly. Fear of the unknown.

I don’t know what 2022 has to offer, but I’m praying for many miracles. I have to believe that I haven’t exhausted all of my possibilities so soon. 

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